The Tale of Tom Calhoun

Well, honey I met you long ago
At the good ol' Carter County Fair.
Five foot three in skin tight jeans
With pigtails in yer hair.
I knew right then we'd do real good
And make a lovely pair.
So with a smile and winnin' strut,
I walked right over there.

With yer mason jar o' lemonade
Ya sat there lookin' mighty cool.
Grinnin', battin' eyelashes
Upon a wooden stool.
I strolled right up, removed my hat
Said, "Darlin' I'm Calhoun!
So come with me--fulfill my dreams--
I swear I ain't no fool!"

Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
I'm the man they call ol' Tommy C!
My home is on the Smoky Mountains,
I think I wanna take ya home with me.

Now days went by and turned to weeks
As a hot, wet summer turned to fall.
We were fallin' deep in love
(And) havin' ourselves a ball.
Ya took and showed me to yer Pa.
He said I seemed right good.
"So go 'head with the courtin' now
Like lovin' young folk should."

Well then things was peaches fer some time
We squeezed and smooched; Autumn days grew short.
But things went sour, I should've known
You were just makin' sport.
You lied--deceived--said you loved me!
And told me you'd be true,
But yer a lyin' jezebel
BY CHRIST I SHOULDA KNEW!

Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
I'm the man you lied to and deceived.
My home is on the Smoky Mountains
I never shoulda took ya home with me.

Well I thought that things were still real good,
I didn't know you'd been two-timin' me.
(But) I'd find out one cool fall night
Just how cruel you could be.
A secret weddin', we'd get hitched
Beneath our old oak tree.
But you was waitin' for me there
With bastard Paul MacPhee.

There you stood in pale moonlight
Knife in hand with Paul right by yer side.
(An) Evil grin upon yer face;
Yer plan was homicide.
And I knew then you'd been with him,
(Yer) treachery bon afide.
You slid yer knife into my throat.
Blood gurgled and I died.

Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
You murdered and broke the heart of me.
My home is a shallow, hidden grave, dear.
You and yer lover done got rid o' me.

Then a year went by and once again,
Balmy days of summer passed to fall.
You ran around; had yer fun
With yer new lover, Paul.
I lay in my grave, though not alone;
No, not alone at all.
Bugs, worms and rotting ate my flesh,
But evil sparked my soul!

Well I started movin' eyelids then,
Clawin' at dirt with dry, rotten hands.
I'm back, lookin' to fulfill
Undead wants and demands!
For sweet revenge and human brains,
I've got my first meal planned;
You'll soon be feelin' in yer hair
My clawed and rotting hands!

Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
Dirty crimes come with a costly fee.
My home is a damned ol' dirty grave, dear.
I think I'm gonna take ya home with me.

I shuffled and shambled down the road
That led to yer Pa's old homestead.
I saw Paul first (right) by the door
And ate part of his head.
Wanting you next, I ambled in
And grasped you tight and said,
"Soon, my dear, you'll be one of
THE LOVIN' LIVIN' DEAD!"

You howled and hollered and cried real loud.
But yer protestin', it was all in vain.
Look into my jellied eyes;
Yer cheatin' caused me pain.
But murder was much worse, my dear.
I'm gonna make you pay.
So scream and cry. But come what will,
I'M GONNA EAT YER BRAIN!

Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
Calhoun! (CALHOUN!)
I'm the corpse they call ol' Tommy C!
My home is a damp and dirty grave, dear.
I think I'm gonna take ya home to eat.

Outtro
So once again, my love, yer mine,
Restin' with me in my shallow grave.
But yer shamblin' with me now
Though I ate half your brain.
From time to time we'll terrorize
When we rise from this grave.
Against you, babe, I got revenge
BUT MY HUNGER IT AIN'T SLAKED!...
...AND I AIN'T GOIN' AWAY!...
....NOT TO THIS VERY DAY--TOM C!

(September 19, 2009)